First, I will be the first to tell you that a large part of me feels completely unqualified to offer any advice on marriage. My parents were divorced when I was only 9. It was a very messy divorce to the point that even as a young adult (I would venture to say even months up to the wedding) I never saw myself getting married. I didn’t want to have to put that much trust in someone. Someone who according to everything I had seen would inevitably let me down. Not only that but growing up the way I did I never met someone who was trustworthy. This only fueled my negative ideas about marriage.
How could I be stuck with someone I couldn’t trust?
Now as an adult I can look back and see that my parents, though I know they loved each other, were a very toxic mix. Add in being told that their daughter had an unknown and unexplainable heart condition that will kill her at any moment. I’m sure this may have easily been the straw that broke the camel’s back. At any rate as an adult and an ex-psychology major, I see the writing on the wall.
When I met my husband I was 20 years old working 5 jobs and partying any remaining hours. “Settling down” and looking for my “soul mate” was not even on my radar. I had just turned 20 and my roommates and I were looking for a new place to live since my lease was up. I found this really beautiful townhouse complex and that was it. Moving day came and as I was moving in I look to my right and there are 2 guys sitting on their front stoop and I remember thinking “He’s so hot. This place is awesome!” I later found out he lived there with his long term girlfriend and 2 roommates. Not so awesome.
Thankfully I had a male roommate that shared some interests with, we’ll call him “hot guy”, and so he was around a bit. To be frank the physical attraction was obvious …from me. I was obviously attracted to him. This guy kept his intentions so close to the chest I had no idea if he even thought I was attractive. Now don’t think of me as that shallow because “Hey” was literally all we ever said to each other and getting to know someone’s soul that way is pretty difficult.
One day I was out walking my dog and he happened to be on his back porch. He yelled down “Hey girl” I replied with a simple “hey” back. He then asked “Whatcha doin?” I was nervous and couldn’t get anything witty together at the moment so I went with the obvious “Walking my dog”. Facepalm moment. They laughed, I laughed, and as calmly as possible walked back to my apartment to scream “OMG he talked to me”. No, I am not kidding. But something had to have been right because he got together with my male roommate and planned to go out to the bar that I worked at that night. Later I would find out that he had broken up with his then-girlfriend a week prior. We both tried to play it cool all night. We exchanged numbers that night and when I say we have been inseparable ever since I mean we have only stayed 3 nights away from each other in 15 years. We were married that same year.
So looking back over those 15 years what do I think worked?
Well to be honest in the beginning after the constant butterflies wore off it may have had something to do with everyone around us telling us it wasn’t going to work. We were so young, we hadn’t known each other that long, I hadn’t had a committed relationship before him, he was a playboy. I mean this list goes on but when you know, you know. We are both pretty hard-headed and out to prove people wrong so that may have worked its way in somehow.
The biggest thing is that we understood what an amazing feat this was for us to find each other. How the stars had to have aligned just right. Where I fail he’s my strength and where he isn’t his best I pick up the ball and start running. It’s a partnership and I think we have both understood that from the beginning.
Mutual respect is big. Huge to be honest and where I see the marriages that fail around us lacking. I respect him for the person he was created to be. I respect the time and energy he uses to take care of our family. And on the flip side, he respects me, my opinions, and my choices. Listen nothing about marriage is easy. Once the “shininess” wears off its hard work. I think that may be people’s biggest misconception about marriage. The only thing that comes easy, a non-choice, in my marriage is my love for my husband. Everything else has been called into question and worked on.
I am an enneagram 8 so anger is my core driver. She’s always sitting in the driver’s seat, foot on the pedal, ready to go. So I am not easy to get along with all the time. My husband like I’ve said before is a 7. He wants to be happy at all costs. Once he has quickly (and I mean seconds, maybe single minutes at the most) felt whatever other emotion he flips the switch back to happy and joking. It’s infuriating for me. I have to walk away sometimes and remember who he is. What makes him tick and then go back with some understanding.
This is another big one.
Always try to figure out where the other person is coming from. This has made our arguments much easier. Try to remember all the things you have learned about them and see the discussion from their point of view. You can’t do this in the heat of an argument. You have to walk away to think. There is no true thinking in an argument just gut reactions.
Lastly, and I know this sounds cheesy but remember why you fell in love in the first place. It wasn’t just his gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that even made YOU happy. Think of the actions, the little things, that really made you fall. When I say our marriage has been tested in almost every way possible, I mean it. Finances, health, family, parenting, RENOVATIONS, I can’t think of one test we haven’t had to manage somehow. If you come back to the principles you can get through anything together.
I feel like marriage these days has almost taken on a whole different meaning. I feel that we need to go back to the days where we didn’t so easily give up on each other and expect the worse. We need to always try to see the best in each other. I have made that commitment to each other then you need to actually try to honor it. Not half-ass and say you tried to save face. This is a promise that you have made to each other in front of people. Don’t easily give up and say he just wasn’t for me. See each other’s faults and try to help. Talk to each other. Go to therapy. Do the things! I always tell my kids the word “can’t” is not allowed. If you try you can. If you can’t alone then ask for help.
I feel like as adults we still need to be reminded of this. Swallow your pride and ask for help. Hear me reminding myself of this same mantra. There are good people. Good people to be with. Good people to know. Good people to help.
I hope this helps you or inspires you somehow. Hopefully reminding you of things you may have forgotten about your spouse or hope that there is the right one out there for you. I promise, there is.
We are made in pairs and it’s our journey to find each other and take on life together.
Photography credit to the amazing Jess Sonderman Photography. We had a fabulous time during our anniversary shoot. If you are in the South Carolina midlands area I highly recommend her.
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